I have issues.
I come from a very argumentative family. We would yell and argue and debate each other and we weren’t always kind about it. Because of this, I learned to argue aggressively and this sometimes can come off as me being a “know it all” or someone who “always has to be right” which is the furthest thing from being true.
I love being wrong. Being wrong to me, is an exciting opportunity to learn. The problem is in convincing me that I am wrong. I wont just accept your opinion. If you can’t show me how I’m wrong using rational discussion, I don’t accept it. I’ll turn your argument around, show you what it actually is, and throw it right back in your face. This is how I was raised, and it’s not good. I come off as way to aggressive, and I know it makes people harbor ill will towards me.
And I hate it. With a passion. It’s been something that I’ve tried to stop doing all of my life, but it’s so ingrained into me that I often don’t recognize that I’m doing it, and then when I do, I feel like shit afterwards. So what if I’ve won the argument? Is it really worth losing friends? You wouldn’t think so, but I obviously, for some fucked up reason, think it is. Otherwise I wouldn’t keep doing it would I?
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just this horrible monster, trying his best to pretend to be a nice person because he knows how horrible he is?
I hate this feeling. I hate thinking that people think I’m this, know it all ass hole who can’t admit when I’m wrong. Everyone close to me has said this about me at some point. It doesn’t matter how often I admit that I’m wrong either. I can say I’m wrong about 100 different things, but if I get too aggressive with my argument, then to the other person, I’ve never admitted when I was wrong and I’m an asshole. It’s a battle I can’t win.
Today I got into an argument with someone that I thought I was friends with. I was winding him up a little, like he does me from time to time, but I obviously took it too far. Now I’m not sure if we are still friends. It’s left me feeling like a piece of shit. Another friendship out of the hundreds that I’ve ruined because I allow myself to get aggressive in my arguments. This is why I have no friends. This is why I’m so lonely most of the time. This is why I don’t leave the house more then twice a week. This is why I don’t go out and try to make new friends. Because I know eventually, I’ll say or do the wrong thing, and I’ll never see that person again.
I’m trying to change this. I really, really, really am.
When I do recognize that I’m being too aggressive it’s usually too late. The trick is in being aware of my state of mind BEFORE I go into an argument. There are times where I don’t argue at all because I KNOW I will get too aggressive. I need to get better at that. I’m trying.
I know this sounds like a poor “pity me post”. That’s not my intention. The reason I wrote this is to remind myself that even at almost 50 yrs old, there are still a lot of things that I need to work on.
Also, I hope that others who read this will understand me a little better. If they want too.